A Day in the life of Common Man

I'll open your head like a bag of Tayto!

2009-08-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I have had the joy's of experiencing several different carers in my still young life, I have worked as a Bouncer all over Ireland, parts of England and New York amongst other professions.. It never ceases to amaze me the sights and experiences I've had while working the pubs and Clubs however there is something unique about Ireland's nightlife.

Today's club patron is a scantily clad, dark eyed banshee looking young wan, nothing wrong with the scantily clad part, but looking like the corpse bride does nothing for my penis. And the new man about town..well he's either a floppy haired boy hugging Emo, or a "Wigger" ( A wigger is a white N*g*er apparently) rapper type with his pants hanging at his knees. Usually today's patron will have skipped the pub and will have fueled up on cheap as chips booze from the local budget supermarket. More often than not they have powdered their noses with The Devils Dandruff so they are ready for the round trip to Mars.

Today's night clubs are how I would have imagined Hell, don't get me wrong, I'm not like that Grandad fellow "Ireland's most Cantankerous Auld Fellow" I'm still young, I like the night life, but it's the music, it's the Euro pop Cascade shite that Haunts me. It's the Boom boom pow brain melting nonsense I suspect good old Satan has playing on a loop that pisses me off.

Also the fighting, puking and general messiness makes for a dull night. I blame the non pub drinking for the behaviour of the nations youth on a night out. My days of pubbing and clubbing, were and are - you met in the pub, drank a few beers, played pool, had a laugh went clubbing, danced pulled and went home. If you happened to get into a row it was usually a few fists one on one, and you shook hands afterwards. Today it's tank up at a friends house , hit the club, puke fight in a gang, stab, Mame and ruin yours or someone else's life. At least in the pub scene you drank moderately (define moderation they say) and enjoyed the pubs craic, music and atmosphere where as in some gits house it's no holds barred boozing. The nightclubs have a lot to answer for too, I've seen and refused several people entry for being too drunk and drugged up, only for some other bouncer or the owner to let them in. Greed has it's price and the nations streets at closing time are proof of this.

Maybe I'm delusional and dreaming of bygone days, but the pubs are empty on a saturday night in the west and people are still drunk, the slobbery streets are still here, and courageous expressions like "I'll open your head like a bag of Tayto" are still with us. God bless Ireland and her youth.

Toast the new Drug

2009-08-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

Well now, I have seen it all. It was a Friday night, I decided after spending the week counting coppers, (No not thick walking lumps of authority from Mayo and Roscommon) but actual brown semi- shiny bits of money that you seem to have feck all else of and put in a jar, that i had enough money for a mini session ( A mini-session-when you can afford to drink and buy either chips or a burger on the way home but not both).

So i hits the local watering hole and savour the tasty beverage my long haired barman throws out to me, for a change I had a cool crisp pint of Budweiser. The local was quite so after two more scoops, i hopped down the town and arrived at another bar.

It was quite but had potential, great tunes playing and a few heads i knew. So after a few more crisp cold pints and a few games of pool the bar started to fill up with friends and acquaintances i hadn't seen in ages. The night looked promising, the beer flowed and the "Craic was ninty". It was 11pm and the bar was hopping, the ladies looked fine and well i was flying.

So 12.30am came along and the gang decided on Rockfords, i hadn't been in a while so i went, after all the fun was only starting. So into the club we went, the music was shite no change there, the beer was dear (Oh shock horror) but surprisingly the women were Hot.....Maybe it was the beer Goggles???

So we get chatting a group of lovely lasses, we drank, danced and smooched, except for Mr B he's a dry shite anyway. So the gals announced they had a free house and would we like to party, ask a silly question is the pope Jewish??? of course we want to party. So after the club we get directions to the back arse of know where,the Taxi cost a fortune but we had great expectations, we knock on the Door and a lovely lass opens the door in her pj's. "Come in Guys would ye like tea the Kettle is on"..... what the fuck Say's paddy.

The lovely flirtatious gals, were sitting around the kitchen table drinking tea and eating toast in their jim'jams. We were offered tea, toast or warm Miller. The music was turned down low and the conversation was about ponies, horses and climbing the reek( Croagh Patrick).

I sat stunned as did every other drunk, horny guy in the room except for Mr B he just sits there anyway. So we enquired about the party and were informed "Sure this is the party, aren't we having great craic". At 5.30am the lovely ladies announced they were going to bed, One lucky guy got to share a bed( I'll never tell) ...the rest got the sitting room floor.

It was 12.30 pm the next day before we got home, apparently the taxi service in Roscommon doesn't start until then. So 1pm that Saturday a bunch of stunned looking guys sat looking at each other over a pint amazed at the previous nights shenanigans, where did it all go wrong Someone asked ... since when did tea and toast become the staple diet of a house party ... Thank God for Tea and toast said Another, at least she didn't scream when she woke up beside me.

Spoonerisms

2009-08-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

"I always love a good switch-around (Spoonerism). Everyone has heard Tig ol Bitties and Bass Ackwards. Anyone else have any good ones? I'll list a few more.

the four of hearts - the whore of farts
jim robbed her - rimjobbed her
a tale of two cities - a sale of two titties
lock picker - pock licker
pop corn - cop porn

Mis-translations are pretty funny too, unfortunately I don't know about very many good ones. Coca-Cola: When coca cola decided to expand their advertising campaign to china, it was pronounced kekoukela. But what it actually translated to in Chinese was 'bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax' depending on the dialect.

Pepsi also gave china a try, remember the old slogan 'Come alive, your the Pepsi generation?' they messed this one up pretty good, it translated to 'Pepsi, bring your ancestors back from the grave!'. An English sign outside of a doctor's office in Rome read 'Specialist in women and other diseases'.

Remember got milk commercials? They were so successful in the U.S. that it was decided to extend the campaign to Mexico, it ended up reading 'are you lactating?'."

Share with me a favourite Spoonerism, it rolls off the tongue like a liquorish thong.

Life,Recession,dirt,muck,depression.

2009-08-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Yes you have probably found this great page by mistake. Please leave that mouse alone and relax.

Let's start with an introduction, I am Common Man, from Roscommon. If you have never heard of Roscommon it is a mythical place across the Shannon, 18 miles from Athlone on the way to Mayo, allegedly. We are famous for Rockford's night club, Naked pool playing and winning two all Ireland football finals in 1943 and 1944. After that the fairy tale ends....Kaput.

Are you still with me??????? Good I should have suggested you make tea, everything is better with tea. Even this dare I say the word "Recession" what is it with the typical Irish man and woman, we love depression, begrudgry, getting one over on our fellow man/woman...man turned into woman.....woman turned into man and so on.

Ah even back in the Good old days, remember those when work was plentiful, banks were our best friends and money was no object, people still cried, whinged and moaned. I'm beginning to believe we willed all this on ourselves.

What ever happened to being happy with what you had, or positive thinking. I mean look at all the happy people who are now unemployed, I met a chap who was delighted there are no jobs he has been unemployed for the past 4 years.

" Jeysus thank God for the Recession, the buck in the dole office had me hounded looking for all these interviews and letters, apparently I'm suppose to be actively seeking work. Now he has his shite, no jobs means no interviews, tis a great auld country, are ya going for a pint?, any chance of a sub"

That there is optimism, we all need a splash of that, we need a kumbya brigade, a cheerio squad, to lift our spirits, or just throwing it out there... Cheaper beer.

Where are our best friends the publicans, through hell or high water we drank their beers , we cried, laughed and more often than not pissed on their floors, only a best friend can make you comfortable enough to piss on the floor.

They should be leading the charge to cheer us up , when we were rich we crossed the palms of many a publican (Best Friend) with copious amount's of silver, now that the silver is gone and only the clanging of copper remains where are the publicans (our best buds, our confidants, lawyers, councilors etc ) to bail us out by selling us cheaper beer, thus cheering us up, thus reviving the nation, thus ending the depression, thus ending the recession??????

So yes I charge the VFI the vintners of Ireland with saving the economy, cheaper beer will result in a happier Irish man/woman/he-she/she-he. So lower your feckin prices Mr Barman , my friend, buddy old pal or NAMA will
BE OUR ONLY OPTION, Bahahahahahahahaha.